Julie Edwards: Okay. So
Julie Edwards: in another minute or so I'm going to go ahead and let everyone in the room. and then we will kick off Let me get my welcome script here.
Julie Edwards: Great! All right. Good luck. You'll do fantastic.
Julie Edwards: Let's see, we start. Webinar.
Julie Edwards: Hello, everyone. I see a lot of you starting to join us. We'll get started here in about 4 min. But I wanted to open the room a little bit early. We've got a big webinar today feel free. If you would like to hop over to the chat and say, Hi, let us know where you're from. We do record the Chat transcript. So if you don't want to participate in the chat, you don't have to, but we record it and share it, because
Julie Edwards: in a room full of hundreds of librarians. We often have so much good information in the chat that people want to see afterwards. So I see people rolling in, hey, North Dakota, hey! Pennsylvania, Dallas, Hi, Nova Scotia.
Julie Edwards: Connecticut. Mississippi. Hello, Aloha Hawaii!
Hilda Weisburg: I, Ontario! More Texans.
Julie Edwards: People are rolling in and one of these times I I said this before.
Julie Edwards: Those of you who have done a webinar with me in the past. By the way, I'm so happy to be back with you all I was on vacation the last couple of weeks. I love doing this. It's like the library license plate game. seeing where everybody's from. One of these times. I want to go back through and see if
Julie Edwards: we get somebody from every State. In one of these I see Arizona, Rhode Island, hey? Northern California, hey, Louisiana.
Julie Edwards: Michigan, Georgia, Massachusetts, Austin, New York. My brother-in-law used to live up that way in Austin, actually hey? Kentucky.
Julie Edwards: hey?
Julie Edwards: Tennessee, Wow Arkansas.
Julie Edwards: hey? Northern Nevada, Colorado Springs, Hi, Wyoming. I was wondering if you were going to get Wyoming on here. I should go through here and see if we have all the States. This is great, so I mean I lived in Colorado Springs way back during the Vietnam War when my husband was drafted, and that's where my daughter was born. Wow!
Julie Edwards: Don't forget Maryland time, Maryland. I see you in there. Hey, Idaho! It's so funny! The difference right between the and Hilda and I were just talking about that the small East Coast states with huge populations, but the giant Western States with teeny, tiny populations.
Julie Edwards: Ohio, Minnesota!
Julie Edwards: Scottsdale, Arizona. Hi!
Julie Edwards: Everybody! Connecticut, hey? No more than connect Canadians. So nice to see.
Julie Edwards: Hi, Jupiter.
Julie Edwards: So great to see all of you rolling. And we're gonna get started here in just a couple of minutes. Want to give everybody a chance to to come on and say, Hello, if you would like to. I was mentioning at the very beginning. Some of you probably came in a little bit after I said this. We do record the Chat Transcript, and we put it on the blog. So it is available out there after the webinar
Julie Edwards: with a room full of this many librarians. There's always great information that goes back and forth in the blog. I'm sorry in the chat. So we want to make that available to everybody.
Julie Edwards: after. So if you don't want to. use the chat. You don't have to.
Julie Edwards: Hi, Billings. I'm just down the road from you in the Zula.
Julie Edwards: just down the road Long road. Hello, Georgia! Charlton Mask! Get out of here. I grew up in Webster. I just drove through child in couple of weeks ago, visiting family down that way.
Julie Edwards: So nice to see all of you. It's fun, too. So I have, hey, Bend Oregon, also one of my favorite places.
Julie Edwards: I've traveled a lot for various reasons, and been to a lot of these states. So I really get a charge out of seeing everybody and Alaska, we can start now. Excellent. okay. So we are right at the top of the hour we'll go ahead and get started.
Julie Edwards: I'm Julie Edwards. Thank you so much for joining us today. welcome to this webinar on managing difficult conversations. I'm a librarian and instructional designer with Niche Academy and I want to give a little introduction to Niche Academy, and then introduce our presenter, and then we are off.
Julie Edwards: We are the perfect tool. If you are looking to increase your e resource usage. Move your programming, including your story times online and deliver and track staff development. Excuse me
Julie Edwards: if you're interested in finding out more about our platform chatting with a member of our team, hearing what your colleagues and other libraries have to say, I'll drop a link to our website in the chat, and you can check us out there.
Julie Edwards: So we are recording this webinar. I will make the recording and the slides and the Chat Transcript and the Audio transcript available to everybody after the presentation. I will email those to you in a few days, and they will also be up on our blog in a few days, probably by Friday of this week.
Julie Edwards: If you would like to use closed captioning, you can do that at the bottom of your zoom screen. Please feel free to use the chat and talk with each other you if you have a question, though, for Hilda, please use the question and answer box. there are. Let's see, almost 600 of us in the room right now, and so the chat gets busy. I don't always see the questions that come in the chat any questions directly, for the presenter. Put them in the Q. A. Box, and I will moderate those at the end of the webinar.
Julie Edwards: This webinar is part of our commitment to solving bigger problems together and providing continuing education in the library space. I'm so happy that you're here today. We have many more excellent webinars coming up, and I will drop the link to that in the chat as well.
Julie Edwards: So without further ado, our presenter today is Hilda Weisberg.
Julie Edwards: Hilda was a school librarian for over 30 years, and is now an author, speaker, and adjunct in structure at William Patterson University, New Jersey, and Montana State University in Montana she received the 2,016,
Julie Edwards: a Asl American Association of School Libraries, Distinguished Service Award. She has co-authored 17 books for school librarians, including her latest successful communication for librarians, published this year by libraries unlimited. She's the past president for the New Jersey Association for School Librarians and serves on Ala and a Asl committees. She's going to talk to us today from the perspective
Julie Edwards: of a school librarian, but touch on a lot of stuff interesting for public librarians, and with that I will turn it over to Hilda.
Hilda Weisburg: Well.
Hilda Weisburg: hello! And as Julie said, I am Hilda.
Hilda Weisburg: I am I'm glad to be here this I was going to see this afternoon, but this afternoon for me. I'm sure it's not afternoon all over the place, because I've heard some of the places you're from, and it's certainly not afternoon in Hawaii. So I welcome you all
Hilda Weisburg: to this webinar, as Julie has done.
Hilda Weisburg: and it is on that subject.
Hilda Weisburg: managing difficult conversations.
Hilda Weisburg: Life is complicated.
Hilda Weisburg: It's one of the words that have come up very often in the way we speak today. People don't always agree.
Hilda Weisburg: making conflict inevitable.
Hilda Weisburg: And while we might wish for a world where everyone always got along.
Hilda Weisburg: it would be a boring place with little growth happening.
Hilda Weisburg: we need diverse perspectives.
Hilda Weisburg: What we don't need
Hilda Weisburg: are heated confrontations where loud voices drown out of differing opinions and communication between participants is shut down.
Hilda Weisburg: No messages are being transmitted
Hilda Weisburg: other than anger and repudiation of the other person's perspectives.
Hilda Weisburg: We all have these difficult conversations.
Hilda Weisburg: Some of them linger in our minds long after they are over.
Hilda Weisburg: They are not pleasant. There's something we don't want to think about.
Hilda Weisburg: their stomach churning.
Hilda Weisburg: but knowing how to manage them so that you are prepared when they occur. Certainly beats being taken by surprise.
Hilda Weisburg: you can't avoid them. Unfortunately. that's a very true statement.
If you are not a hermit.
Hilda Weisburg: you are always dealing with people. and if you deal with people. difficult conversations are a fact of life. Accepting that they will inevitably occur
Hilda Weisburg: is the very first step in managing them.
Hilda Weisburg: Another true statement. Sometimes they erupt. although some are scheduled
Hilda Weisburg: all too often these difficult conversations erupt out of nowhere.
Hilda Weisburg: accepting that they will in it and it can really feel
Hilda Weisburg: as though you were being hit with hot, flowing lava.
Hilda Weisburg: When that happens. your adrenal system takes over.
you go into what is called the
Hilda Weisburg: flight freeze or fight mode.
Hilda Weisburg: Well, you can't really run.
Freezing is not an option. You can't stand there like a deer in the headlights.
Hilda Weisburg: You have to deal with it in the moment.
Hilda Weisburg: but if you go into the fight mode, you're letting your adrenal system, as I say, control the situation, and you are no longer thinking.
Hilda Weisburg: You can't afford to have your cerebral cortex
Hilda Weisburg: cut out.
Hilda Weisburg: You need to be ready to think and manage the situation
Hilda Weisburg: and the conversation.
In dealing with difficult conversations, communications you draw on your emotional intelligence.
Hilda Weisburg: You need to be self-aware to recognize when and how you are reacting to the controversy.
Hilda Weisburg: Your self management keeps you from being drawn into it
Hilda Weisburg: and becoming part of the problem.
Hilda Weisburg: Social awareness can help you recognize a conflict is beginning almost before it starts. You should be adept at reading body language, and you can see it coming at you sometimes.
Hilda Weisburg: the boxing gloves are out.
Hilda Weisburg: how are you going to react?
If your tendency is to go on the offensive immediately.
Hilda Weisburg: you will trigger an escalation immediately. That's the last thing you want to have happen as librarians.
Hilda Weisburg: We need to be relationship builders
Hilda Weisburg: trying to bulldoze your way to winning
Hilda Weisburg: could cost you the relationship.
Hilda Weisburg: If you go on the defensive. You are already putting yourself in the wrong.
Hilda Weisburg: The other party is only likely to counter your arguments and to try to slash your defense.
Hilda Weisburg: I think?
Hilda Weisburg: Do you want it to win it. or do you want it to work?
Hilda Weisburg: Think? Do you want to win it. or do you want it to work. because if you want to win it. it will never work.
Hilda Weisburg: This is something you may not have thought of. But underneath this discussion a power struggle is happening. If you are a parent. you have seen this at work with your own kids, and when you've gotten into an argument with them somehow, it's easier to recognize it when it's with your child.
Understanding power
Hilda Weisburg: and knowing how to use it, will help you bring about the best possible outcome in this situation.
Hilda Weisburg: So think about that word power. Again.
Hilda Weisburg: what images and feelings come to mind.
Hilda Weisburg: Let's take a moment to. For a closer look at power.
Hilda Weisburg: We can define power
Hilda Weisburg: as the ability to make or have someone do
Hilda Weisburg: what you want them to
Hilda Weisburg: in 2,002,
Hilda Weisburg: Lisa. Then I kind of read these names that. Then a class, and and Valerie's miller in their a new we of power, introduced these 4 types of power
Hilda Weisburg: power over is being able to control or enforce a behavior. It usually comes from a title. principal director.
Hilda Weisburg: parent.
Hilda Weisburg: That title gives them control.
Hilda Weisburg: You have to listen to what they tell you to do
Hilda Weisburg: because they have that measure of control.
Hilda Weisburg: It is
Hilda Weisburg: actually what most people think of when they think of power.
Hilda Weisburg: But there is also power with
Hilda Weisburg: finding common ground among different interests.
Hilda Weisburg: and building collective strength based on mutual support. solidarity.
Hilda Weisburg: This is my favorite type of power. Together we are stronger
Hilda Weisburg: power with is also what is needed to have community support.
Hilda Weisburg: And that's something we all need in these times. and you get power with. and the ability to use it by first building relationships.
Hilda Weisburg: And we're going to use that word a lot.
Hilda Weisburg: And then there is power. 2, something to remember that it's happening.
Hilda Weisburg: This refers to the unique potential of every person to shape their life and world.
Hilda Weisburg: But there are those who lack
Hilda Weisburg: power to, because they have been deceived often by words and promises. Most often these people are ones who have been marginalized.
Hilda Weisburg: You need to build a relationship with them by giving them your trust before expecting anything back.
Hilda Weisburg: It will take time. but it is a gift you can give and receive when they trust you.
Hilda Weisburg: As the relationship grows and the communication improves.
Hilda Weisburg: you will be able to employ advocacy efforts, because advocacy incorporates the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference.
Hilda Weisburg: and then there is power within.
Hilda Weisburg: How do you see yourself?
Hilda Weisburg: Do you believe in your abilities? Do you acknowledge both your strengths and your weaknesses?
Hilda Weisburg: Would your list of weaknesses
Hilda Weisburg: outnumber your list of strengths.
Hilda Weisburg: Power within is a powerful inner force.
You can feel it
Hilda Weisburg: when you think about it and people recognize it. It's a power leaders. Have
Hilda Weisburg: I used to have a mail carrier? He's now retired, with whom I would exchange brief conversations. When I was out walking.
Hilda Weisburg: he once said to me, Hilda.
Hilda Weisburg: you are a powerful woman.
Hilda Weisburg: He didn't know anything about my life. What I did, what my accomplishments were anything.
Hilda Weisburg: but it communicates itself. and when you trust yourself.
Hilda Weisburg: you are better able to utilize power with and thus build
Hilda Weisburg: you. Let me back it up a bit when you can trust yourself and have that power within you are better able to use power with and thus build the relationships
Hilda Weisburg: and advocates for the library and its program.
So
Hilda Weisburg: for a moment, again, let's reflect on this hypothetical, difficult conversation in which you are involved.
Hilda Weisburg: Which power or powers
Hilda Weisburg: do you want to draw on? Obviously power over is not going to work
Hilda Weisburg: communicating with power with and power within, minimizes any difficult conversations.
Hilda Weisburg: It de escalate d escalates the heat
Hilda Weisburg: and avoids a potential lava flow.
Hilda Weisburg: It helps if you have an existing relationship. But if you handle this right. you can actually create a relationship
Hilda Weisburg: as I did once, and I will tell you about it later.
Hilda Weisburg: So let's start looking at this.
Hilda Weisburg: All of these people here are potential initiators of difficult conversations.
Hilda Weisburg: some civil. some heated. They each require somewhat different tactics to manage.
Hilda Weisburg: but they all draw on your ability to use your power wisely.
Hilda Weisburg: So let's start with
Hilda Weisburg: students or in public libraries, young young people.
Hilda Weisburg: young patrons, and the word minor there
Hilda Weisburg: does not refer to their age, but rather to the level of the discussion. Conversation
Hilda Weisburg: as an authority figure you represent.
Hilda Weisburg: Power went power over to these kids. It is normal for adolescents in particular to try their wings and challenge you.
Hilda Weisburg: The confrontation can occur when they are having what they see is fun.
Hilda Weisburg: And you see, as a disruption.
Hilda Weisburg: you are both right. but the situation requires a resolution.
Hilda Weisburg: The environment you have created
Hilda Weisburg: and the way you respond will affect the outcome.
Hilda Weisburg: and you're a level of social awareness will help you anticipate the problems before they happen. Excuse me, but be prepared for managing them when they do
Hilda Weisburg: so.
Hilda Weisburg: Do you have rules
Hilda Weisburg: or guidelines? Most school libraries and some public libraries have them posted.
Hilda Weisburg: pointing to one of them without saying anything. Here's a good first step. and are them statements that you've posted?
Hilda Weisburg: Positive, or are they negative. that influences the tone of the room I once was evaluating a school library program.
Hilda Weisburg: I walked into the room when it was totally empty.
Hilda Weisburg: I was immediately confronted by assigned reading, no running.
Hilda Weisburg: no eating, no horse play and a few other nose. I wanted to leave
Hilda Weisburg: positive guidelines, create a much better tone and environment in the library.
Hilda Weisburg: My favorite guidelines are. respect yourself. respect others respect the library that covers most behaviors.
Hilda Weisburg: You can find other suggestions on Pinterest.
but do be careful.
Hilda Weisburg: An awful lot of them have some negatives in there. Just give me a
Hilda Weisburg: a light touch of humor. Helps giving a knowing smile
can stop the behavior in its tracks.
Hilda Weisburg: It says.
Hilda Weisburg: I know, and you know what you are doing.
Hilda Weisburg: There aren't words in this conversation. but it is a conversation. and you have kept it from becoming a difficult one.
Hilda Weisburg: Staying calm and suggesting a more appropriate behavior is another technique.
Hilda Weisburg: and calm is still another word that will keep repeating throughout this
Hilda Weisburg: saying. I bet you know why I came over.
Hilda Weisburg: Please lower the volume, or some such usually works well.
Hilda Weisburg: by the way.
Hilda Weisburg: when it's confrontational, which we'll get to later. Don't rise to the challenge. Here is our personal story. When I was
Hilda Weisburg: and high school librarian.
the hockey team
Hilda Weisburg: used to come to the library at lunch it was allowed.
Hilda Weisburg: but they often got a bit boisterous.
Hilda Weisburg: and I would go over to their table and say. you're getting a bit too loud. Please get the volume down. and invariably one of the team members would say, but the other table is making more noise than we are.
Hilda Weisburg: and I would say.
Hilda Weisburg: Please get the volume down.
Hilda Weisburg: and then they say, but they are the table. Please get the volume down.
Hilda Weisburg: I didn't interact. I just stayed calm. and they got the point.
As a matter of fact, when the hockey team
Hilda Weisburg: one the League championship that year, they brought their trophy to the library to celebrate because they said the team bonded in the library.
Hilda Weisburg: On the other hand.
Hilda Weisburg: there are those confrontational
Hilda Weisburg: discussions with students or young patrons.
Hilda Weisburg: The level of interaction rises when it's confrontational or defiant
Hilda Weisburg: with younger kids. It may just be a temper tandrum
Hilda Weisburg: with hopefully, the parent is there, and we'll discuss that later with older ones. It could be cursing, saying something about negative about the library, or how you look.
Hilda Weisburg: The object, maybe to get a rise out of you for some perceived slight. It could also be something you said, or just building anger from an incident outside the library that triggered the reaction.
Hilda Weisburg: most of you are, probably aware of face adverse childhood experiences.
Hilda Weisburg: They can unexpectedly cause a confrontation about almost anything.
Hilda Weisburg: It is similar, and possibly the same as Ptsd.
Hilda Weisburg: It comes from experiencing violence, abuse a family member having mental or substance of use problems.
Hilda Weisburg: It is a bit scary to realize what kids may be carrying in their mental and emotional backpacks
Hilda Weisburg: in the public library. You're unlikely to know who these students or young patrons are. In schools. The teachers are generally informed.
Hilda Weisburg: Librarians also may not know about these students.
Hilda Weisburg: There is a whole lot more to learn about, Ace. But here I will just say.
Hilda Weisburg: be prepared. stay calm. That word use I statements such as I see you are upset. I would like to help
Hilda Weisburg: you should also set clear expectations and say, maybe we could move to some place else, for now
Hilda Weisburg: safety comes
Hilda Weisburg: first. Oh, sorry you don't ask them questions ever.
because, even if saying, What can I do to help is likely to provoke an out first, like no, no, there's nothing you can do. Go away.
Hilda Weisburg: and you can go on from there.
which is, when you start thinking about safety.
Hilda Weisburg: You have 2 priorities, the safety of you and others in the library.
Hilda Weisburg: and helping a child or student who is out of control.
Hilda Weisburg: Not every incident can be resolved calmly. but speaking loudly and angrily, is guaranteed to escalate all of them.
Hilda Weisburg: Let them know if they don't settle down, you will have to call security.
Hilda Weisburg: and then be ready to do just that to get help in removing the student. If you think there is a potential for violence.
Hilda Weisburg: I have students who talk about chairs being thrown and such it can happen.
Hilda Weisburg: students, I teach pre-service school librarians, and you should know what the procedure is for getting security to help you, whether it's the school or the public library.
Hilda Weisburg: Then there is those conversations with colleagues and co-workers.
Hilda Weisburg: The library is our home away from home.
Hilda Weisburg: but. like home
Hilda Weisburg: disagreements and challenging discussions can occur.
Hilda Weisburg: You need to do everything you can not to allow an incident to affect your workplace
Hilda Weisburg: and relationships and make that work space
Hilda Weisburg: managing your emotions is necessary.
Hilda Weisburg: Take a mental, deep breath. pause before you open your mouth. Remember. this is a power struggle. How are you going to handle it?
Hilda Weisburg: Certainly not with power over.
Hilda Weisburg: Think! Do you want to win. or do you want it to work. You want to win. What do you want it to work? Listen for the message
Hilda Weisburg: rather than responding to the delivery method
Hilda Weisburg: when I was new. having transferred to having left one district and gone to another.
Hilda Weisburg: so this is happening in the early days of automation. By the way, I've been around for a long time. I know. I saw that one of the teachers had come in and I was haranging my circulation desk clerk. This was in a day when we had circulation desk, clerks and school libraries.
Hilda Weisburg: and I quickly went over to her and said, Let's take this into my office, and we can deal with it. And I said, What's the problem?
Hilda Weisburg: And she said, I just found out that my bar code is my social security number
Hilda Weisburg: 2 things here, one in these those days we couldn't put letters into barcodes to.
Hilda Weisburg: We hadn't even thought about identity the then, but even so.
Hilda Weisburg: I acknowledged that she had a point
Hilda Weisburg: I could have said, What do you want from me?
Hilda Weisburg: I've only been here 2 months. This has been in place long before me.
Hilda Weisburg: But instead, I said. You're right. Let's see what I can do with this. How about if I
Hilda Weisburg: electronically return all the books you have checked out for your classroom and your own use.
Hilda Weisburg: and then I you a brand new barcode that doesn't include your social security number and re-check it out to you, and after the end of the school year I will change all of the teacher bar codes.
Hilda Weisburg: She was totally mollified by it. She filled her.
Hilda Weisburg: she said, thank you.
Hilda Weisburg: And interesting. Follow up a few months down the road.
Hilda Weisburg: By the way, she was a social studies teacher and very strict. And so the kids really like to get at her if they could safely. So that was an additional reason for her concern, for I had kids working behind the desk.
Hilda Weisburg: Anyway. A short time later I get a call from the principal secretary.
Hilda Weisburg: Hilda, the principal would like you to close the library on such and such a date the Athletic Directors from our League are going to have their meeting in your library, so could you please close it? And I said.
Hilda Weisburg: certainly
Hilda Weisburg: I will notify the teachers that it's been closed. And why.
Hilda Weisburg: remember, it's my principal who said this
Hilda Weisburg: power over, he has control.
Hilda Weisburg: So I did just what I was told, plus. I, of course, notified all the teachers who were coming in.
Hilda Weisburg: I found out later
Hilda Weisburg: that this teacher, with whom I had had that other discussion when tearing down to the office, she did have a short fuse, and said, Who is this library for, any way? Our students
Hilda Weisburg: or the athletic directors.
Hilda Weisburg: Short time later I got another call from the secretary.
Hilda Weisburg: Hilda. I'm so sorry I made a mistake right. The principal wants you to just close off a section of the library with privacy screens, and you can have your classes that scheduled.
Hilda Weisburg: What a great outcome! One!
Hilda Weisburg: The principal now knew how well I was functioning and how important I was to this teachers.
Hilda Weisburg: 2. I had an advocate. I didn't have to speak up. I had others who could speak up for me.
Hilda Weisburg: So
Hilda Weisburg: there is one other thing to remember with the emotions
Hilda Weisburg: you have to keep politics out of the workplace. It was always an issue. It's now more of one. This is a much more polarized time than almost ever in the past. Remember, I go back to the Vietnam, but I think this is even more so, for sure. Keep your views to yourself.
Hilda Weisburg: You won't change anyone's mind.
Hilda Weisburg: There is so much written now about cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance means people will explain away or dismiss ideas that are in conflict with the views they hold.
Hilda Weisburg: Even if your library or school doesn't have a policy on bringing politics into the workplace. Don't engage in such discussions.
Hilda Weisburg: Yes, your views are important, and you should speak up for your beliefs. But unless the issue involves library practices. It serves no purpose to add barriers to the relationships with your colleagues.
Hilda Weisburg: Library practices do get involved when decisions are being made about weeding
Hilda Weisburg: or acquiring material of potentially controversial content. In schools. Teachers get angry about some of what you're waiting, and politics tend to be quite emotional according to the Pareto principle also known as the 80 20 principle. We make 80% of our decisions
Hilda Weisburg: based on emotions.
Hilda Weisburg: We use 20 of logic
Hilda Weisburg: to confirm our decisions.
Hilda Weisburg: Think about how you vote, you know they can convince you.
Hilda Weisburg: Why would you try to convince them? It won't work. Silence is the best course of action. But don't pretend you can say that you need to agree to disagree, but you value your relationship with them.
Hilda Weisburg: Elder. This is Julie. I'm help everyone hill to ask me to step in. We're you're at about the halfway point, Hilda.
Hilda Weisburg: supervisor and administrators. Difficult conversations with the Supervisor are best managed when you know your boss's leadership style, including their preferred use of power.
Hilda Weisburg: having a good working relationship with them, also helps. despite that no one likes to be on the receiving end of reproof or criticism.
Hilda Weisburg: So when you were summoned into the office or stopped by an obviously angry supervisor or administrator, you know there's going to be a difficult conversation. Give some thought now as to how you would deal with it and manage it if and when it should happen first. Listen again. That word
Hilda Weisburg: don't defend whether you go into the offense. If we're defensive mode, you will as well sound like you're in the wrong one way to pull the suggestion
Hilda Weisburg: is to and cool the conversation down is to ask for suggestions as to how the administrator thinks you should handle it. If the suggestion is unfeasible, add.
but what should I do when or because.
Hilda Weisburg: and give the reason why it is unfeasible.
Hilda Weisburg: And long before the this conversation occurs, work on building a positive relationship with the administrator.
Hilda Weisburg: Once again, the word relationships. Obviously I will keep any future conversation from starting already heated
Hilda Weisburg: when building a relationship with an administrator turns out not to be an option. and I'll explain why in a minute you need to take stock of the situation because you are likely to be in a toxic culture, and if you can see that this administrator is not going to be leading their position.
Hilda Weisburg: maybe it's time you left.
Hilda Weisburg: I had a misogynistic egotist for a principal, and my supportive superintendent announced her retirement.
Hilda Weisburg: I left that district after 22 years in there, and couldn't have been happier with the result.
Hilda Weisburg: I, personally now know 2 other people who have done the same
Hilda Weisburg: with the same results. Interestingly, they both went and had been in their positions for 22 years.
Hilda Weisburg: And now we come to the Biggie today.
Hilda Weisburg: although complaints and challenges have always occurred, they have become a fact of life in the past few years.
Hilda Weisburg: and they are often heated.
Hilda Weisburg: Difficult conversations with parents and community members are most frequently about material they find offensive.
Hilda Weisburg: They demand to have them removed from the collection.
Hilda Weisburg: and challenges have been particularly increasing in schools, although the public libraries are getting it as well in the past 6, and language have been the most common reasons. More recently, Lgbtq. I. And A. And critical race theory have been drawing the most protests.
Hilda Weisburg: except they now pointing to porn to. They claim, when a parent schedules a meeting or comes in unannounced in schools. Hopefully, it is what usually, with an administrator in to
Hilda Weisburg: raging about a book their kid borrowed. You get tense. you know the conversation is going to be difficult. Be prepared.
you know this is happening everywhere.
Hilda Weisburg: You should have a selection and reconsideration policy
Hilda Weisburg: in place, and if you're in schools, it needs to be approved by the board.
Hilda Weisburg: If you don't
Hilda Weisburg: check the ala toolkit, which goes through all the steps in creating one with examples on how to create them, and it includes separate ones for public school and academic libraries.
Hilda Weisburg: It is a place to start
Hilda Weisburg: or update an existing policy.
Hilda Weisburg: Stay calm. having a procedure in place
Hilda Weisburg: and knowing it will help you. Do just that. Listen to what the person is saying.
Hilda Weisburg: explain what needs to be done, so that you can properly respond to the complaint or challenge.
Hilda Weisburg: and then provide the paperwork. That is part of your policy
Hilda Weisburg: immediately. As soon as the patron parent leaves.
Hilda Weisburg: Inform your administrator in a school.
Hilda Weisburg: you may also need to inform the administrator of the policy that's in place, and hopefully that administrator will follow it. No matter what.
Hilda Weisburg: You don't want to blind side an administrator, then notify your State Association.
Hilda Weisburg: Many or some I have. I know my State does have a responsive, a rapid response program ready to go into action.
Hilda Weisburg: Contact, alas! Office of information
Hilda Weisburg: they are there to help support you and have numerous resources available for you. A matter of fact, it's a good idea to check those now, and even if you've looked at it about a year ago, see what it is new they do keep updating.
Hilda Weisburg: You may have to deal with media
Hilda Weisburg: in the public library. Some parents or community members may want publicity.
Hilda Weisburg: Just so, you know, don't use
Hilda Weisburg: and negative in responding, because the negative word gets lost, so don't say
Hilda Weisburg: we are not rumors.
Hilda Weisburg: Instead, say the library strives to be a safe, welcoming space.
Hilda Weisburg: And now we turn to you because there are times when you need to initiate a difficult conversation or discussion with someone you know, it might won't be pleasant, but if that's your mindset it will be awful. Instead, focus on a more positive mindset such as I will handle this, and then I will get on with my day.
Hilda Weisburg: And since you are the initiator managing. It is much easier than having another party initiate the conversation. When you are starting it, you can choose the time.
Hilda Weisburg: perhaps the place, and plan how you will manage it.
Hilda Weisburg: and don't procrastinate. Get it over with, because
Hilda Weisburg: you don't have a choice.
Hilda Weisburg: Look at this list of scene areas. If you don't deal with any of these scenarios, it will only get worse.
Hilda Weisburg: These, are at least some of the possibilities. When you must say something. I'm sure you can come up with other examples which you might be sharing in chat.
Hilda Weisburg: Those that involve. your colleagues or co-workers
Hilda Weisburg: are the ones you most likely want to avoid. but we teach others how to treat us.
Hilda Weisburg: If you don't like it. When a colleague handles your stuff, you need to say something. If you accept a certain behavior, you are giving them permission to keep doing it.
Hilda Weisburg: Your administrator or principal, as noted, may not realize how decisions they are making about your duties are affecting your ability to be successful.
Hilda Weisburg: Use the same tactics as when they are the initiator, ask for help, identify your high priority and time-consuming tasks, and how the strategies are happening here are the and
Hilda Weisburg: and how the changes are made are affecting you
Hilda Weisburg: with the parents. Some parents think their child is perfect.
They almost like those my hockey students.
Hilda Weisburg: Just be calm and say, I understand, but
Hilda Weisburg: it's too loud, for through library, and it is disturbing others.
Hilda Weisburg: No. Why. whatever the issue is.
Hilda Weisburg: where there is a power struggle.
Hilda Weisburg: Sorry.
Hilda Weisburg: whatever the issue is. Remember.
Hilda Weisburg: see the Graphic. There it is a power struggle that's going on, and you want to start from power within and keep your emotions calm in the course of the conversation you want to access power with. So you come to an equitable resolution.
Hilda Weisburg: know why you're doing this. You want to remember that this is important to you. For some reason. No, what your goal is. What do you result? Do you want to achieve?
Hilda Weisburg: When are you going to approach the person? One more applause here?
Hilda Weisburg: you need to pick the right time, when neither of you is rust or fatigue. My brief story, if I can get it, is with that superintendent I once had a meeting with her on a Friday afternoon, and her secretary said, She's tired, don't make it any worse. And this superintendent said, I told you that if he' to schedule a meeting with me on a Friday afternoon. It's only about good news.
Hilda Weisburg: Begin you? What will you say in your first few sentences that keeps you from stumbling as you start. Begin with, I statements
Hilda Weisburg: that puts the emphasis on you, saying you need to talk with the person will have them tensing for a confrontation instead.
Hilda Weisburg: ask for help.
Hilda Weisburg: which will bring a friendly tone to the opening. While still focusing on the issue.
Hilda Weisburg: the possible asking for help openings for the scenarios could be. I could use your help with the best way to find you a stop spot other than my office when you want to get away from distractions.
Hilda Weisburg: I could keep your. I could use your help in keeping students focused on me. Could you please use when you need to speak with someone, so the students are not disturbed.
Hilda Weisburg: I could use your help in working on my priorities and determining what no longer it needs to be. I need to do because of the new schedule, or I could use your help in having your child understand behavior expectations in the library.
Hilda Weisburg: Do you prefer that I speak to them? How will you do it? A word of caution never initiate a conversation when you are angry
Hilda Weisburg: the conversation won't go well.
Hilda Weisburg: take the time to calm down and plan
so deep breath for me.
Hilda Weisburg: We have covered many types of difficult conversations.
Hilda Weisburg: What are you most going to remember and do from this presentation
Hilda Weisburg: what words are you going to be taking with you?
Hilda Weisburg: Share that in chat?
Hilda Weisburg: If you have any questions at this point
do put it in the Q. A.
Hilda Weisburg: And now for a commercial
Hilda Weisburg: today's presentation is based on my new book, The Art of Communication. A Librarians guide for successful leadership, collaboration and advocacy, and it's meant for both school and public librarians.
Hilda Weisburg: if you enjoy this webinar. I hope he will take advantage of the special discount available to attendees.
Hilda Weisburg: and if you still have questions, you know you can still put it in the Q. A. But
Hilda Weisburg: you can also contact me. You can reach me at hilda@slworkshop.net. I also have a Facebook group called School Librarians Workshop. It now has over 16,000 members, and I do welcome in public librarians because you do work a lot with school librarians. If all is going well and please
Hilda Weisburg: follow my blog weekly blog at Hilda K. weisberg.com slash blog.
Hilda Weisburg: That concludes my presentation part. I look forward to hearing any of the questions you have, and see if I have some answers to give you. Thank you.
Julie Edwards: Thank you so much, Hilda. This is fantastic. Somebody just wrote this absolutely excellent. I'm going to recommend it. And a lot of people came away with a lot of key takeaways, including me. Actually, I I've got some good takeaways to today. from for language to use. So thank you so much. We do have a bunch of questions. We'll get to as many as we can.
Julie Edwards: Several people are asking specifically about difficult conversations with patrons, particularly when unsolicited or inappropriate comments or gestures happen, or racial or misogynistic language comes in bigoted language? What what do you do in those situations?
Hilda Weisburg: Remember? Of course, challenging, arguing is the worst thing you can do.
Hilda Weisburg: Try to move the conversation someplace, else it's just like when that teacher of mine came storming into the library. The first thing I did was move her into some place else.
Hilda Weisburg: And just say.
Hilda Weisburg: I just want you to know that
Hilda Weisburg: for the library we consider not. You are using improper language. We consider those kinds of languages
Hilda Weisburg: antagonistic or harmful to other of our patrons.
Hilda Weisburg: Please be mindful of that. and I'm sorry that I had to bring this to you, but I'm sure you don't want to harm anybody, any more than any you would want someone to harm you.
Hilda Weisburg: Does that help?
Julie Edwards: That's excellent. It's a great place to start right. Thank you. let's see, someone is saying, how do we deal with difficult conversations about d eib? So diversity, equity, inclusion. And I think that's bias. I'm trying to change our library culture and raise awareness of service barriers. But it's interpreted as a political when it's actually a service issue. how do we have those kinds of conversations. this is one that's not going to go away.
Hilda Weisburg: if you recall back in my talk I was talking about when the media approaches you.
Hilda Weisburg: and they're talking about your grooming the kids, or whatever you don't respond by saying we don't
Hilda Weisburg: you speak about what you do
Hilda Weisburg: you keep it all positive? So what you're saying is, the library
Hilda Weisburg: needs to be a safe
Hilda Weisburg: welcoming place for all. and not everybody is like I am, but I still want to welcome them. Notice. It's I
Hilda Weisburg: I want to welcome them. I hope you will, too, and this is what we have been doing. We have been welcoming all
Hilda Weisburg: people in our community.
Hilda Weisburg: Just this is why it is so important to know
Hilda Weisburg: in advance what you're going to say, because it's going to come at you.
Hilda Weisburg: So you need to have these tools and the skills in mind and in place before they occur.
Hilda Weisburg: Okay.
Julie Edwards: great, thank you. Someone's asking what happens if you're a new supervisor and the staff who report to you from the moment you walk in, have told you to leave that they don't want you there. How do you have difficult conversations about that?
Hilda Weisburg: That is tough. I admit it.
Hilda Weisburg: I one of the libraries, as in. I had a staff member who just disliked every practice I had. but
Hilda Weisburg: you start by saying.
Hilda Weisburg: I want to help make this the library that the library that you love
Hilda Weisburg: what was done before. that you liked. that you think I am not doing. or that you feel I am not doing? How can I make this better?
Hilda Weisburg: Is still not. I am your boss.
Hilda Weisburg: This is what you do. It's how can I make this better? What would you like me to do
Hilda Weisburg: what would improve the situation.
Hilda Weisburg: It's always about including people. It's always about taking those first steps and building relationships.
Hilda Weisburg: stepping zone to asking questions and giving them information so that you can
Hilda Weisburg: make contact. Then you follow it up and it it. It's a slowly built process.
Hilda Weisburg: I hope, that helps
Julie Edwards: based on the chat. People are really happy with your answers. thank you. Couple of questions have come in. How do you respond? If you are forced into a conversation when you're angry. How or when do you decide to walk away
Hilda Weisburg: almost immediately? you! I've done this with my own children.
Hilda Weisburg: I say, excuse me, I want to deal with this, but right now I am feeling so angry I really can't handle this properly and answer you. Give me 2 min, and I'll be right back with you.
Hilda Weisburg: You can time me
Hilda Weisburg: and keep your word.
Hilda Weisburg: Of course, with my kids, I said. Go to your room until I'm ready.
Julie Edwards: That's fantastic. Thank you.
Julie Edwards: let's see.
Julie Edwards: how do you communicate with a supervisor who adheres to power over actions when they think that they're practicing power with. So there's a real lack of self-awareness from the person you're speaking to.
Hilda Weisburg: Okay, and just say,
Hilda Weisburg: you power with, you. Say, I would like to work better with you.
Hilda Weisburg: but I keep feeling that I I'm being compelled.
Hilda Weisburg: Is there any better way for us to communicate
Hilda Weisburg: again? Always keep it. I don't challenge.
Hilda Weisburg: but still make your point
Julie Edwards: excellent. Thank you. Someone is asking, What about when you have a student who works for you? How do you suggest that be handled. So if you're if you have a student employee who's abrupt or snide when they respond to you or to patrons, I've tried being assertive and professional. This person is excellent at their job in all other ways.
Hilda Weisburg: and just say to them, I would love to give you a fabulous recommendation
Hilda Weisburg: when you go on to college, and I love the way you you all the positive first. can we start working on where you can?
Hilda Weisburg: actually make this resin, this review I will give of you recommendation. I will give you better. So let's look at some of the policies we have, and see where you're not aware. I don't think you have totally mastered it.
Hilda Weisburg: Something like that. Always try and think ahead of time before you discuss it, so that you're ready right now. I'm totally not quite ready. So you hear the stumbling.
Hilda Weisburg: But if you think about it ahead of time, and you know that you want. I statements. Then you know that you can stress. You can list specifically things that the student has done well.
Hilda Weisburg: awesome. Oh, go ahead.
Julie Edwards: Do you want to follow up there
Julie Edwards: to the same strategies. Apply. If you're having a difficult conversation with an older person, specifically a patron.
Hilda Weisburg: again, that's similar to the one where you try to take them aside
Hilda Weisburg: and say.
I've been struggling myself
Hilda Weisburg: over the years with
Hilda Weisburg: recognizing
Hilda Weisburg: ways that I have bias that I didn't know I had.
Hilda Weisburg: We don't necessarily mean it. We don't. We definitely don't mean to carn people. I know you would never want to harm anybody or make people feel unwanted. But
Hilda Weisburg: these are some things that do happen. I hope I haven't disturbed you, but this is, you know, it's always that calming tone. It's always that I
Hilda Weisburg: and you do that as much as possible. and you won't always get it right. I have to say that.
Hilda Weisburg: Don't think it's not perfection. You're not going to get it.
Hilda Weisburg: It's managing most of them hopefully, 90% to them.
Julie Edwards: Fantastic. Thank you. how about difficult conversations that involve funding or pay. How do you approach those with your supervisor?
Hilda Weisburg: Of course that doesn't happen with school people, because we're on the schedule of pay. so this is, What was it? Specifically salary.
Hilda Weisburg: salary, or actually any general funding question? If you have a sense of how other people are getting paid that would help. and I assume you do you would. So you go into the boss and say.
Hilda Weisburg: What can I do to improve my salary? Because I love working here.
Hilda Weisburg: and I really want to
Hilda Weisburg: be able to do a bit more on my in my life and and feel as though I'm being successful.
Hilda Weisburg: So what would you recommend that I can do to Increase what my salary is
Julie Edwards: awesome? Thank you. Someone's asking the scripts that you're giving us are awesome, are they included in your book?
Hilda Weisburg: Many of them are, but and even some of the personal stories are some of them
Julie Edwards: great. Thank you, and as a reminder I will be sending this out again in a few days. or sending the recording out in a few days. This is very much based on the book, although there was something that chapter in the book.
Hilda Weisburg: I believe it's Chapter 7, or something like that.
Julie Edwards: Awesome. Thank you.
Julie Edwards: back to library challenges. Someone is saying, people are ignoring the reconsideration forms, going straight to county officials that they know agree with them. How would you recommend working through that it is a difficult conversation.
Hilda Weisburg: They go straight to it. There is not much you can do, except remember when the media shows up, because they will. These things are highly publicized. You can show up at the meetings if you do make sure you are well armed with
Hilda Weisburg: What the library. Ethics are the code of ethics to go to Ala code of ethics and also
Hilda Weisburg: losing it on the library the library code of ethics, and then another one that you need to have in your head or be aware of, so that you can bring them into the meeting. They're not going to care.
Hilda Weisburg: That's not what they're after.
Hilda Weisburg: It's all politics, anyway. But
Hilda Weisburg: you do want to stand up for your beliefs and what the library needs to represent in the community. On my personal Facebook page
Hilda Weisburg: I will say things like, Show up.
Hilda Weisburg: stand up, speak up! Silence is consent.
Hilda Weisburg: Sometimes in some districts
Hilda Weisburg: silence his.
Hilda Weisburg: What you must do for financial reasons or other. All I can say is, there is no ethics police. in the library. It's not like the bar. We bar. We exam where you can get this barred. If you don't follow this. The ethics
Hilda Weisburg: we're not going to remove your degree, or whatever. However
Hilda Weisburg: you recognize, you're making this compromise.
Hilda Weisburg: and I will never tell you you, you, that it is wrong. because you know what is at stake for you.
Hilda Weisburg: All I'll say is, under the circumstances, do the best you can
Hilda Weisburg: to serve your community.
Julie Edwards: Beautiful. Thank you. I think we have time for one more question. Someone is saying.
Julie Edwards: how
Julie Edwards: how do you discuss an evaluation of a director when the director is defensive about suggestions for improvement? So this, I think, would be for for board members.
Hilda Weisburg: evaluation when you do an evaluation. I don't know that you do an evaluation, but
Hilda Weisburg: Just look for at least one strength
Hilda Weisburg: that's going well
Hilda Weisburg: before you give a negative and don't overpower the negatives. just as I say.
Hilda Weisburg: every one has strengths. We all have weaknesses
Hilda Weisburg: in this case, as in most others. Look for the strengths first.
Hilda Weisburg: Wonderful. Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you for attending this, Hilda, this has been an absolutely excellent webinar. You're getting so much thanks in the chat. for your insights and your presentation. for for your stories. somebody saying, Wow, thank you. So thanks, Hilda, and thank you all for coming. I really appreciate this. This group. I. This is this is undoubtedly the largest group I have ever addressed.
Julie Edwards: Well, we really appreciate it, and I appreciate all of you for attending today. I will send out the slides, the recording the chat and the audio transcripts. Within a few days I drop the link to our upcoming webinars. And the link to get held is book in the chat. So you can find those 2 there when I send out the email. And hopefully, we'll see you next week when we have another webinar, or actually, next week, is for academic librarians.
Julie Edwards: We'll see you in a couple of weeks. have a great afternoon, everybody. Thank you so much.